The fate of our nation hangs in the balance — or, to put it another way, the 2016 presidential election is in full swing.
The armies of good and evil have arrayed themselves against each other, and the fate of our nation hangs in the balance — or, to put it another way, the 2016 presidential election is in full swing. And you may not realize it, but the war will be won or lost based on how people like you use social media.
With that in mind, here are some tips for using the internet to sway the election for the side of righteousness. As a bonus, you may be able to stop the decline of Western civilization at the same time.
No. 1: Use all caps when you comment
You don’t want your ideas to tiptoe around in timid lowercase letters. That’s fine for unconfident people, but you hold your beliefs passionately. DO NOT HIDE THEM BEHIND WIMPY LOWERCASE.
No. 2: Use profanity whenever possible
People aren’t going to be persuaded by cold logic. You have to appeal to their emotions. And there’s no better way to tap into those emotions than by swearing at them. Studies have shown that using vulgar language when you argue is just as persuasive as using all caps. Remember: This is a battle for hearts and minds.
No 3: Attack your opponent’s character
If you don’t have time for complex arguments, a good shortcut is to simply call people names. This lets everyone know that they are not trustworthy without wasting crucial time.
Incredibly, you can learn everything you need to know about someone by reading just one social media post. This qualifies you to judge their motives, intellect, and upbringing. If they don’t measure up to your standards, tear them to shreds. They deserve it, and you’ll be the clear winner of the argument.
As an added bonus, many people have found that they can bolster their sense of worth by belittling others.
No. 4: Tone is crucial
People often underestimate tone. It can’t do everything, but it’s an important weapon in your arsenal. The ideal tone to adopt is one of disdain.
Disdain has many advantages. It shows that you know you are right, and it also makes sure people are aware that you are intelligent and sophisticated. At the same time, it helps everyone see clearly that your opponent is dumb, and therefore likely wrong, because dumb people are wrong a LOT.
No. 5: Don’t lose the war over truth
Do not let anyone get away with portraying the world in a way you know is wrong. This is extremely important. You may be done with social media for the day, ready to go relax with your family, but when you see a comment you disagree with, duty calls. You must weigh in immediately or — and this is the terrifying part — the truth itself may change. You can’t afford that risk.
No 6: Repetition, repetition, repetition
So you’ve written 20 political posts on Facebook today and none of your friends or family have changed their minds yet. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what you should learn from this: You must write more posts. Use several different social media accounts, and for good measure share the posts of people who agree with you (just make sure to add “This is so true” so people know what you think).
No. 7: There’s never a bad time to insert race
You might be hesitant to make strident comments on race issues if you were talking to someone face to face, but with the wonders of social media, you can throw out your messages from the safety of your home without having to look anyone in the eye, so it’s fine in any context.
No. 8: Never give up
If Marines can go through boot camp and the horrors of war to help save their country, you should be able to handle the brutal landscape of social media.
Good luck, soldier. We’re counting on you.
Credit: Delmarv Now
Andrew Sharp is a producer at The Daily Times and delmarvanow.com. Email him at email@example.com. On Twitter @buckeye_201 and on Facebook @andrewsharp201